Saturday, May 26, 2018

Lockhart's Top LaFonds Volume 26

How to develop a reputation for excellent service in your ER.

"You guys don't like your mothers very much," Dante and his biker pals.

James is absolutely correct, Nikki, please don't waste your brain on college.  Your coursework should be focused on marketable skills, expand your mind on your own time, for free.

Law and order and women's MMA under the rule of LaFond the First.

Suzanna has made good use of her temper to stay alive and true to herself.

The gruesome killing of a Baltimore County cop this week illustrates the crime wave expanding from Baltimore City.

James returns to Flushing Cemetery, see here for an account of his first visit, with pictures.

Stare down or pity from a biker?  Reading a look from a hard man in the ER.  (Maybe he looked at your name tag to try to figure out if he should have recognized you?)

Dr. Slickens, Enquire, helps us understand the nuance of making hoochie music videos in the OR.

Is Luther headed for your state?  Be on the lookout!

Don't bring a knife to a knife fight.

'The economy screams for ever more consumers.'

The future of Plantation America.

Someone has to sand bowling balls, and for a while, it was Nero the Pict!

Buy James' books through Amazonpdf books through his main website, become a Patron, or donate straight to the man through Paypal, because you love James and his work.

(c) 2018 Lynn Lockhart

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Why Worry? Preternatural Musings

For Predator and Prey, Life Goes On

I sat against a tree trunk half way down to the canyon floor on a forty degree slope. I try to make time these days to just sit and watch. Breathe air and observe. There's a lot to see, and while you're moving you're it. Many eyes watch you as you move out, but forget you once you settle. Once the movement stops. Things crank back up slowly, and birds go back to calling out for careless love, 'cause it's Spring again.

The hawks wheel in orbits along the ridges, close to their nests, scanning with those terrible eyes, the infrared capability showing the urine trails left around the nests of their prey. Rodents never grasped the importance of clean latrines, so hawks eat them. Sometimes the difference between continued life and being a snack for a young hawk pivots on an obscure point that only Humans have noticed. Those who study such things, and not other things.

It's hard to know what to study, what with what we call everything just hovering out there some place on our vaunted inter-web source of all things knowable. Too many choices to make it an easy thing. Something that calls for contemplation on your own. A winnowing of the trite, and a trip to an entity operating within truth.

Two red hawks come barreling down the slope about three-four feet off the ground, maybe a five foot wingspan, the tips twitching for trim. This same pair have taken runs at my chickens. Maybe twenty feet separate them. They flare out into the canyon floor, breaking left and right, settling into two trees perhaps 150 yards apart. The waiting. The watching. A sudden dramatic move, and then the wait. They could have been two A-10 Warthogs piloted by likely lads from Kansas, bouncing enemies in someone else's land, but there could be no waiting in that case. Appear, destroy, vanish. We hate to wait when we kill for grins nowadays, in these wars, hunting monsters abroad.

So I wait, not for enlightenment. Too blind for that. I wait because the world waits, probably to see when our annoying asses finally nuke ourselves out of the equation. I can see life emerging as it always has, by random. The chaos of nature. There is no plan but chance to the nonsentient, and the mother mouse whose child is devoured by a hawk doesn't light a candle to a saint. Life goes on and will, with you or without you. So why worry?

How free it must be as a mouse on a hillside, no clue that a hawk will ever devour you. We can't do that. We all know we're done for, and we fear the knowing and spin hopes. It can't have been all for nothing, but available evidence says it most likely was. Whether or not you recycled or loved the less fortunate. Despite your concern and humanity, they only value your gold fillings.

So the fence is up: four strands of barbed wire with stiffeners, corner timbers in concrete and strung with T-posts, tuned up tight with a 4x4, a Mexican and a White Boy. Took a week of work in wind gusting around 40, same as the temperature. The barbs glitter in the sun and the deer are already leaving patches of winter fur on it. According to lore, my neighbors will become good.

(c) 2018 The Checkered Demon

Monday, May 21, 2018

Pugilists with Pencils - Crackpot Podcast Ep 35

For episode 35 of the Crackpot Podcast, we bring you a discussion on boxing, shanking with pencils, prison fights, and the barbershop with special guest John Paul Barber, who also provides some thought provoking quotes from noted intellectual Floyd Mayweather and cultural observations by Tyson Fury, you'll want to listen to the end.  This episode also includes a bit more profanity than usual, in case you are into that.

The Crackpot Podcast features battle scribe James LaFond (see the comments) and sleep deprived motherslave Lynn Lockhart, who has a noticed an alarming commonality among her online friends (stabbing others with pencils).

Boxing books by James LaFond:

The Broken Dance
Being a Bad Man in a Worse World
The Punishing Art
American Fist
The Greatest Boxer



0:00:35  Introducing John Paul Barber
0:01:50  Rockhold v Romero fight
0:06:30  Gervonta Davis
0:07:30  Boxing overseas and in the US
0:11:40  Mayweather and Mexican boxing fans
0:12:15  Nicknames in boxing
0:14:25  Any boxing in prison?
0:16:40  What is this game, smear the queer?
0:19:40  Historical boxing rules, unlimited rounds, bare knuckle, LPR
0:23:55  American Indians in prison (link on Lumbees)
0:32:00  How did James and John Paul get interested in boxing?
0:39:47  JPB remembers fights he was in
0:49:50  The time JPB was robbed at knife point
0:53:05  The mudshark is the entry point for black on white crime, including pizza delivery
0:56:40  JPB is a good boy now, he don't do nuffin, unless you panhandle at the barbershop
0:58:42  James vs a panhandler, with an assist from a Frazetta babe
1:02:08  What is it like to be a barber?
1:10:55  How is prison like college?
1:13:15  Notable quotes from boxers, read by JPB in his inimitable Appalachian inflection

(c) 2018 Lynn Lockhart

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Lockhart's Top LaFonds Volume 25

Hey, look, it's weekend links!

Biker stories continue, with an unforgettable encounter in the hospital.  Don't miss James' appearance with the Myth of the 20th Century on Hell's Angels.  Lumbee bikers liked to play pool and shoot pool. When your big brother ruins your dating life.  When your dating life ruins your life.  Why bikers are pack animals.  Here is a funny one with a happy ending.  How cops dealwith bikers.

No one said being an ass-kicking surgeon was going to be easy, or cheap.

A perspective on Russian military capabilities by Jeremy Bentham.

All television is filth.

Jacob comments on Crackpot Ep 34 and James responds, on the perils of reading translated texts.

The Ghetto Grocer traces the evolution and future of retail food.

Advice for older brothers.

I wasn't going to link this but it got a bunch of comments.

There is a line from white slavery in Plantation America and the cultural devaluation of the white working class in the present day.

How to train with a meat hook for home defense.

A man seeks training for his urban commute, for fun, survival and profit!

Big Ron is always on an adventure.

Buy James' books through Amazonpdf books through his main website, become a Patron, or donate straight to the man through Paypal, because you love James and his work.

(c) 2018 Lynn Lockhart

Thursday, May 17, 2018

'This Bad Mofo'

Captain John Smith
The Inspiration for Solomon Kane and Conan?

This bad mofo, Captain John Smith, who is just a footnote in history, mentioned in passing in a Peggy Lee song, could have been the real-life Mattias Tannhauser.

Robert E. Howard could have mined this guy’s biography for additional story material, but he would have had to tone it down, because nobody would believe it.


The Deeds of Captain John Smith

Thank you, Shep. I have read Smith’s own account of his adventures. There were others as active in mercenary warfare as he was at the time. However, he engaged in wider ranging adventures than most, due, it seems, to his high intelligence and willingness to risk his life at sea. Smith comes off as a definite prototype of a Conan character in terms of breadth. What is really telling is how politically alike Howard’s fantasy world of the Hyborean Age is to early 17th Century Europe, which ironically was the period in which the adventures of Solomon Kane were set.

Below we can match points in Smith’s career to Howard’s two most storied characters.

Mercenary:  Conan
Pirate:  Conan
Mercenary Captain:  Conan
Champion:  Conan
Crusader:  Kane
Sold into Turkish Slavery:  Kane
Escaped from Slavery:  Kane
Secret Agent:  neither
Marooned on a Savage Shore:  Kane & Conan
Explorer:  Kane & Conan
Wilderness Fighter:  Conan
Savior of a Fort between Forest and Sea:  Conan
Captured by Savages:  Kane
Abstained from Sex in a Savage Paradise:  Kane
Saved by a Savage Princess:  Kane

Conan 8
Kane 8

Two larger than life characters could have been built from Smith’s known activities. His one activity which was unknown until recent years was his duty as secret agent, which Howard could not have known and was the only aspect not used in one or both of these larger than life heroes.

Note that Black Vulmea was essentially an updated Conan.

(c) 2018 James LaFond

Monday, May 14, 2018

‘To Die’

James LaFond's Impressions of Two Men by Robert E. Howard
Reading from A Word from the Outer Dark, pages 68-70

In twelve four-line verses Howard renders a sketch dialogue in poetics between two men viewing the conduct of Jesus Christ as he hauls his cross to the appointed place. The men discuss the possibility of achieving his relief, his guilt or innocence and his relevance. This treatment seems to be based on Ben-Hur, a story Howard was familiar with, having promoted a biblical scholar’s discussion of the novel in what—if I recall correctly from the peek I had of his letters—might have been his 18th year.

Two Men achieves peaks of vision, valleys of ignorance and plateaus of despair as the two poetically embodied opposites of the soul and the body, of hero and slave discuss the fate of a man neither admits to understanding.

For an idea of the poetic rhythm verse one is quoted below:

Two men stood in the gates of day,
And one man said with kindling eye,
'The red drums rattle, the banners sway;
They are bearing the Lord Christ forth to die!'

To appreciate the materialistic view of the man lacking the “kindling eye,” of the view that predominates in our age as well as Howard’s dusted past, below are quoted the first lines of verse seven:

He might have done good, this dreamy man,
Had He chosen to go where the leaders go,
But he sat with beggar and publican,
And—He must be wrong, for the priests say so.

This pustule of a soul declares in further verses his willingness to lick the “boots” of the “Law,” to crawl and debase himself in whatever way necessary to obey the master class so that he might have cozy housing and costly suits. He continues extolling the men above as godly and reminding the aspirant of dreams wondering next to him that, “Greater than God is Opinion” making in Howard’s hand the point of the ages he so often leaves to villains to illustrate, that most men will ever worship the things of the world, that Man’s sacred creed of actuality and deed are in fact the petty laws of man and only but rarely do men look further than their bellies and roofs to recognize God’s hand.

This reader is convinced that the essence of the character Solomon Kane, the psychotic, Puritanical avenger who stalked Howard’s imaginary world of A.D. 1600 in relentless pursuit of evil, was either born, ruminated on or reflected in these twelve verses, which ends brightly in addendum for a poet so dim.

(c) 2018 James LaFond

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Lockhart's Top LaFonds Volume 24

Here are your weekend links!

James joined the Myth of the 20th Century to talk about Hell's Angels.  Big Ron shares his experience with bikers.  James reviews Hunter Thompson's Hell's Angels, and tells of an encounter with a group of Hell's Angels in a bar, and profiles the better sort of man associated with MCs.

James should start a dating service.

Fueling your fight, anger and fear.

Teutonic Fist responds to Ep 33 of the Crackpot Podcast.

Encouragement to writers looking to self publish.

The Baltimore restaurant scene is shrinking, look for an upcoming Crackpot Podcast with Nero the Pict on the topic.

Table manners of the Huron Indians, oh dear, and use of dogs by other Native Americans.

Mathematics will not survive the apocalypse.

The Checkered Demon spins a tale.

Dating advice from Dr. Bonecracker.

Clued is seeking, and I can tell from the comments he is looking in the right place.

A mostly unfunny night of comedy in the surreal city.

Erique is the whitest guy in the Baltimore area LaFondiverse, the proof is that he has cop calling privilege.

Learn about the sacred objects in the dindu rites.

Buy James' books through Amazonpdf books through his main website, become a Patron, or donate straight to the man through Paypal, because you love James and his work.

(c) 2018 Lynn Lockhart